Loving and Accepting myself has been a HUGE area of pain and deep work needed for me.
My whole life I was living for others.
I wanted to please.
I wanted others to love and accept me
So I conformed and changed to their ideals and standards.
I mutated myself.
I filled myself in with their opinions and beliefs cause, well, mine just weren’t good enough.
I didn’t give myself a voice and I certainly didn’t let my opinions be TRULY heard – who would love and accept me then?!
I wanted desperately to be “included”, to be loved. I did not yet see my own true value and worth.
Despite all this, tap, tap, tap, I choose to love and accept myself…tap, tap, tap…
I just did a tapping (EFT) session on feeling my whole life like I was being easily influenced by others.
Afterwards, I learn from my oldest daughter that my ex-husband was talking to his friend, telling this friend that I had totally shifted and turned “liberal” and “feminist” and was being brain washed by my new friends.
Yes this was triggering.
Yes I was pissed.
But also, I can see that from his perspective, when I came into the relationship and WILLINGLY gave up my points-of-view to be loved and accepted by him and brought deeper into his inner circle/inner sanctuary, this was in his eyes (from his point of view) TACIT CONSENT to all his perspectives and view points.
I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of playing the “I need acceptance chameleon” character once again.
During our relationship, I started to “understand” where he was coming from.
I started to narrow my outlook and my zone of comfort for the more secure, SMALLER point of view (a cage, really) – cause if everything around you is harmful, if everyone is out to get you, if you are susceptible and there is no other solution than to make yourself small and hedge, well then, my innate feelings of weakness would dictate that I NEEDED TO FEEL SMALL AND POWERLESS TO PROTECT MYSELF TOO. So Ok then, he was right, I was wrong in my views. I made myself small and I fit into the smaller cage.
When I really began courting the idea of divorce more than a year ago,
I know he thought I was loosing my mind when I really started opening myself back up.
When I began trying so hard to get out of the box.
When I began to wake myself up fully.
I began going places, having outings with friends and traveling.
I made new friends (and we all know how threatening friends are to those who have something to hide).
I cut my hair.
I bought new, “hip”, better fitting clothes.
I wore knee length skirts and dresses for the first time in 16 yrs.
I joined Facebook.
I bought a smart phone OMG!!! 📱
The list goes on.
I guess the point here is, when you conform to someone else’s point of view, in their eyes you aren’t being influenced and you aren’t weak, but YOU ARE SMART. Cause THEY are smart!!
When I started thinking for myself again, and seeking many, many points of view and contemplating things for myself, ALL THE WHILE ARRIVING AT VERY DIFFERENT CONCLUSIONS from him (or anyone) – that’s when you are labeled WEAK AND INFLUENCABLE.
See, it’s all about perspective and point of view!
Many may even call him a narcissist, a gas lighter, a fill-in-the-blank. I’m ok with that. I choose to call him weak, scared, limited and unhappy.
BUT MY POINT HERE IS – I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF, MY VIEWS AND MY OPENNESS, MY PAST, MY LIMITATIONS AND FEAR OF JUDGEMENT, MY FEAR OF NOT BEING ACCEPTED, MY FREE SPIRIT AND MY GOD DAMN SMART PHONE**. I AM PERFECT THE WAY I AM. AND I AM COMMITTED TO GROWING AND EXPANDING BEYOND MY COMFORT ZONE INTO TRUE FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE.
NOTE: I let my oldest child, my 15 yo daughter read this before posting and she said, “This is GREAT. This is exactly what you needed to say! I had been wanting to talk to you about this and didn’t know how to start the conversation. And it is interesting, too! I especially like the part about the smartphone**!!”
OMG Y’ALL! I am melting. See? When we start showing up and being authentically ourselves, it has a positive effect on our children. The message gets through to them – even if at first they resist and they react and are unhappy with the change, TRUST ME, it is for the better.
**For those of you who don’t know, my ex is completely AVERSE to cellphones citing their health effects. And underneath the surface, he is screaming and blaming the technology, the same one he has consciously avoided and refused to learn, for everything bad in the universe cause he just won’t “give in” to it. I get it. It’s him against the technology. The technology is his VILLIAN. It’s part of his story.
He doesn’t yet understand that cellphones/WIFI/EMF’s only bring up to the surface what we already need to work on emotionally and spiritually. They “illuminate” our weaknesses and susceptibilities inviting us to TAKE A DEEP DIVE into OUR SUBSCONSCIOUS MINDS and BEYOND. When we don’t take this invitation, we get sick from them and all the nasties they are purported to cause can actually happen. THAT IS NOT MY TIMELINE OR REALITY. (More on this in a future post or class!!) Maybe one day he’ll see. Maybe not! I release it to the universe with love and acceptance.
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